Boredom and Desire

I don't know what I want or who I am.
But, I know he made me feel alive again.
Even if it was just for a small moment in time.

Yet, desire turned into boredom and routine so quickly.
Only after a few weeks.
Was it simply not meant to be?
Or is there something wrong with me?

Can I not allow myself to be happy?
Or, are my instincts so far ahead of me
That I was simply saving myself from regret?
Is anything really that simple?

Maybe some day I won't be so bored so easily.
Hurry now.
I want to feel alive again.

Swimming

Why must I
delve so deep into depression.
Such a sick fascination.
I keep swimming deeper,
Simply out of curiosity.

At least boredom is causing me to write again.
Every time I sink too low,
There's a sparrow right outside my window,
To remind me that I'm still alive.
I must keep breathing.
If only I could learn how to breathe under water.

Beginning Of The End.

In the empty soul
where nothing is whole
there is darkness.

Fear takes over. 

The sirens of hysteria scream louder.

The forward marching of our destruction gains power.

The cries of panic begin to fill the air.

The search light is on, but no one is there.

We cannot find one another.

When we are all isolated within our own individual shells,

No connection is left.

The cries transmute into moaning.

When I fell

So where were you when I fell
Fell from the security I once had
I'm lost in the fog
Searching for my way
Too scared to travel alone
On this voyage of self-discovery
I'm an independent dependent on my own self pity
Weaker than anyone could imagine
I'll keep pretending that I am strong
But I cannot keep this mask on for too long

Sociedad

We must justify ourselves to believe that something is true
The fact that we need these justifications should signal to us that we are wrong
I know there is more to the sketchy lives we paint than just ourselves
I don't need to justify my intentions
I know just where I am supposed to be
Sections of lives are torn away
From the bleeding core that rots away in the backdrop of our atmosphere
The ocean breeze does not lie
Neither does the tide
So why don't we listen
I heard the wind whisper a secret
A secret that could cure the world of all its troubles
But what is this life without the never ending journey
The journey of discovery and self-fulfillment
We are meant to strive
I shall never weep for myself
Every time I drive past the pasture
My corpse erupts into an ocean of tears
An ocean that drips down into the ground
And waters the trees that allow me to breathe
Give and Take
It's all the same

My Love. My Crutch. My Everything

So this is what it feels like to lose a part of your soul
My love
My crutch
My everything
You are damaged beyond repair
And it saddens me to say this
But if you continue to stay in this negative aura
I will hate you
And I have never hated anyone
The future that I saw planned for us
Is nothing more than a painful reminder of what will never be
If you love me, you will never call me again
If you love me, you will know that we cannot be friends
And if you love me, you will know that we are better off without each other
If we were to have continued
We would have just crashed and burned
We would regret the chance to find the real love
That we were both longing for

A Valiant Effort

It was a valiant effort
But my pride is too overwhelming
Thanks for making me feel wanted
It's great to get that feeling every now and then
But pride comes before all else
Even desire
But I must say you came close
And I liked it

Amores Con Ojos Negros

I don't even know what to say
The feeling is so familiar
But still I stray away from all that I find comforting
You lied to yourself just to get inside my head
I almost fell into that trap
But you slipped
And while you fell I turned my direction
You would have had me
I was in your hand
You just needed to keep your eye on the prize
I'm your prey
Yet I do not run
I scamper
A part of me wants you to catch up
If you made an attempt I would not deny you
I cannot have my heart speak again
It mumbles and stutters
So that's when my brain takes charge
And I start to gain speed
Not yet at my full potential
I'll sacrifice my own happiness
Just to keep my dignity
Sometimes I wish I could be so careless and free
So naive and dirty
But another one will come along the way
And all will be well

I'll Make You Hate Me

This false reality you've created needs to be shattered
I try to be considerate of the feelings you have
But my mental condition cannot take this anymore
I have nothing more to do
Than to tear it down right in front of you
I will make you hate me
If that's what it takes to keep you away
I will make you hate me
If that's what it takes for you to let this go
I can only repeat myself for so long
Before I begin to run out of air
So this is the last time you can slip up
Before I never speak to you again

Back To Normal

You're a haunting reminder of what I cannot have
A compulsive curiosity and fascination.
Strangers always brings me to this state,
A frame of mind constructed on a peripheral vision,
Of something foreign to me.
I create an image of my own preferences,
Which always result in inevitable disappointment.
When will I be able to let go of this trait of mine?
To let things fall into place naturally.
One day.
Yeah, maybe someday.

Final Destination

At the end before even seeing the start
What is a person to do
When there is nothing left to strive for
To die for
It's situations like these that result in an attack of panic
Gazing at the stars
Waiting for a sign of a better life
Make it seem all right with the hope of a new day that may never come
Kiss the hand of the one you're longing for
Without fear getting in the way
See the possibility of the opportunity that is waiting to be captured
Make there be something to strive for so reality doesn't take over life
'Cause the living and breathing is getting harder
So don't suffocate and miss the chance
To inhale what could be the air of fate

Down That Road Once Again

I sabotage all that is well and going in the right direction
For fear of getting what I want
Living a life with nothing left to desire
If I'm not in search of something better
Then there's nothing left for me to do
That can never happen
There always has to be something greater
Something for me to keep walking towards
I can have so much, but choose not to
It's great in the eye of another
But nobody ever fulfills what I want
In a way I think I'm searching for myself
Someone who is my other half.
A soul that intertwines with mine
But that is impossible to find
When I can't even find myself

The Transformation Of Acceptance

It's hard for me not to lead you on
It's so convenient when I'm lonely
I just simply don't need you around all the time
The rain is comfort enough on the nights when I want to hold my breath
Missing you just isn't the same
I have no remorse for the decisions I've made
When it comes to the lie that I've been parading around
I may be viewed as sadistic in your eyes
But it's just independence from the crutch that is you
My pride does not disregard the concept of a transformation in you
So my hope is that this beauty will evolve into what we both need
And consume me once again

Experience No Longer Creates Us

People love what they are told to love
We never question why we love the way we do
I'm beginning to see the mistakes that I've been making
Never living in the here and now
Reality is substituted with the creations in our heads
The reality in which we want to be
Once we step back into our lives for just one moment
We run back to the safety of our dreams
If we keep running back to this false world
We will never be able to live life as it was intended to be lived
Through experience and interaction
Through real interpersonal relationships
With people who are just waiting to be found
Experience no longer creates us
We construct ourselves within the guidelines of our own interpretations
The more I isolate myself
The more I realize how desperately I need to escape my own phantom reality
The ghosts of my dreams are beginning to haunt me
And there's nowhere left to run except outside the front door
Into reality

Mistakes Only Take Us So Far

Yeah you think you have it all figured out
Trying to find your inner peace
But you won't find it when you're still stuck in your misery
A misery that you say you are destined to stay in
But I've been through that and beyond
And now I'm waiting for you to catch up
But you're still stuck and complaining
Going around in the cycle you've been circulating through since I first met you
And there's only so much I can piece away from my own existence
Until I begin to rot away with you
So why am I standing still?

Never Before

Never before have I seen him like this
I did not prepare myself to see tears falling down his face
The image I never imagined I would see
He looked so frail and helpless
I just wanted his pain to be transferred to me
I would bare the burden of this disaster
Just to see a smile on his face
There are no words that could be sufficient
No drugs that will take away the feelings that he's feeling
But through it all, he is still as strong as his soul will allow him to be
And I will continue to be right by his side
Until the day I ultimately have to say goodbye
But farewell is never too long
Because his soul will live on in every breath I breathe

...............................

Chocking on my own blood
I didn't see my life flash before me as the cliche would say
I just sat there in shock
The shock of actually facing death
That's not supposed to happen
At least that's what I was determined to believe
Now soaking in my own blood
Waiting for a sign
A subtle calmness came over me
Which faintly numbed my pain
My life has been moving too fast for me to grasp it
Everything came to a halt when I thought it was all going to be taken away
I wish I could stop back into that mind frame
Without all the physical pain

So This Is Where The Battle Ends

I lost the fight and now I am alone
Constructed realities can really take a toll on the soul
Honesty could have saved us both a lot of time
But you seem to not care about anyone's happiness but your own
And I should know better
I should know when to stop
The idea of love always gets the best of me
A part of me sadly hopes that you are not well
That there is still something there to hold on to
That I can still rescue you from whatever is holding you there
But I should know better
I should know when to stop

Not Yet Finished

Oh, the bitter irony
Of the words you said late that night
They're soon coming back to haunt you
Your free spirit has finally been trapped
But you still can't seem to give up
The lifestyle that got you to where you are now

So I will take this time for deliberating

I can't even comprehend the manipulative schemes
That she's been contemplating
But it seems I'm a little too late
To salvage anything without regret
I can benefit from knowing
That you'll never find anyone like me
I can never escape my love, my crutch, my everything

Unresolved Tension

Take down your history
It's doing nothing but bringing false hope
To all the lives that you left on the side of the road

Living

I'm asleep more than I am awake
This isn't the way one should be living
'Cause I'm dead more than I am alive
I can't find a reason to get out of bed other than obligation
Yet I want nothing more than to live
Striving to find a way to break out of this prison of exhaustion
But I can never find an answer
To the problem I cannot identify
So why is this life worth living
When we can never reach the top of the hill
But I have to keep on breathing
In the hopes of climbing out of this despair
Before I reach the end and never know why I was ever here

Catastrophic

I want to kiss your lips and slit your throat all in the same breath
You bring out the part of me that has been buried deep down for too long
I can't handle the concept of an individual comprehending the mess that is in my head
Bemused by this aura
I cannot write down these thoughts into comprehensable wording
Know that it's not what you thought, it's just appreciation

Long Overdue

I am ready for a passionate affair
An affair on my insecurities
He's making me realize what I've been missing
The flood gates have opened
I feel overwhelmed
High rise time to run scared
I'm holding on strong for the moment
These chances never come to me with my eyes as wide-open as they are now
I just hope this isn't a sign of my desperation
Being driven by solitude
Fogging up my conscience
I've mounted the white flag on my heart
You don't need to love me
You just need to care

All That She Wanted. Nothing That She Needed.

He could search out and understand all the realms of her psyche
And a single utterance out of his mouth was enough to suffice her for weeks on end
The tides of fate seem to have washed away any possibility of their connection
But she would rather drown in the waters than to face the idea of never being with him again
When she's just about to let go, he pulls her out of the ocean
And he whispers, "Angel, dont' you cry.  Angel, lie. Save your tears for the one who loves you."
Then he leaves her, just like he always does
When his back is turned, she dives right back into the ocean
And swims to the bottom waiting to die
Because to her, a life is not worth living
When she can't fully give herself to the one she desires
Love means nothing to her when she's only receiving it

Obscuro

This understanding is devolving into deceit
At least from the surface
How naive was I not to think that every word he ever said
Was nothing more than a line from a script to get me into bed
You could have been mine
If only my pride wouldn't make me lie
You cannot deny the way you look at me out of the corner of your eye
And I will admit that it takes every ounce of my energy not to look right back
Cause the living and breathing's getting harder
And I can't just move on
So I'll beg and plead
Please don't paint the picture white
You could have been mine
If only my pride wouldn't make me lie
To hide the weakness inside

Mi Emociones

tengo miedo de cambio
tengo miedo de fallara
quiero hacerle feliz, pero no puedo
quiero hacerme feliz, pero no puedo
mi destino es la soledad
lo hago esa manera
estoy soledad
soy la soledad

Struggle

When you're feeling worthless
It doesn't matter whose bed you're waking up in
Until you full realize the desperation that got you there

Why can't I follow through
Every time I say this is the last time I'll stray away.

The character building must ensue.
Yes, the character building must ensue.

Why can't I follow through
This is not the last time I will stray away

These unconscious subconscious thoughts will eat me away

Nothing.

The shattered hearts you left along the say
Are soon gonna catch up with you
It just so happens that I'm one of the shattered hearts you left along the way
And I want my revenge

Would you even care if I said I've had enough
Would you even care if I said that I'm giving up this time

Tragic but true is my love for you
Yes, tragic but true is my love for you

The crying isn't helping, it's just making my pale face numb
Yet I keep on complaining
Because it's just too hard to give you up

I need to know, in all honesty
Would you even care if I said that I've had enough
Would you even care if I said I'm giving up this time
When I'm always letting you win me over
Why am I always letting you win me over

It's because I can't breathe knowing this is how it has to be
And you'll say it's easy to move on when there's nothing to hold on to
But I have nothing unless you are right here by my side
I am nothing.

What's A Girl To Do?

You never wanted anything more than what you got from all the rest
Yet you're the only one who makes me feel whole
If you only knew the love I would have given you

Missing you just isn't the same
What's a girl to do when she's lost all faith in you?

I wanted unpretentiously through these days
Trying not to give anymore thought to the feelings that consume me
For the days of my demise are soon to come
And I won't need to worry about my face not being in your thoughts anymore
Because I will be no more
And it seems that is where I need to be in order to save my dignity

Walking With The Dead

I am walking in the dark as though I am walking with the dead.
Like my skin doesn't exist and I am floating somewhere else.
My body no longer there, do I even want to return?

No body, just existence.
What purity that would be.
When I close my eyes I can feel it.
The essence escaping the prison which confines me in my insecurities.
This body and mind are what hold me down from truly being free.
But I can't escape, because I've wrapped myself inside for too long.
Only time will open the gates.

Just Stop And Listen

The world inside my mind is so much more beautiful than the world my body inhabits.  However, one must understand that it is in the balance of both worlds that one truly sees how magnificent the universe truly is.  There is beauty in both worlds.  And, it is the combination of all these senses that our body gives us that we are allowed to truly experience the connection to all the energies of the universe.  It is amazing to close your eyes and think "I am not just me.  I am with everything.  And everything is with me."  Once you feel that feeling, you know you have connected to the collective unconscious.  There is no more reassuring feeling than this moment.  It's when faith, belief, and trust meld and become understanding.  This is the feeling I want everyone on this Earth to experience.  It is something that everyone on this Earth deserves to experience.  It is there for everyone.  You just have to tune in and listen to what the universe has to tell you.  Just stop and listen.

Just Words.

still an independent dependent on my own self pity

if i'm not in control, i break down

and i will break down until i am in a hole that i can't climb out of

until the rain stops falling down 

remember your worst

several days have passed now and i'm still stuck here waiting

self destruction is my reality

and my reality is all that i know

i'm falling down and now i am falling away from you

i never needed you to stay

you were just along the way

You Can't Choose Love.

we don't choose love

love finds us

we just settle without ever knowing

but the moment one finds it

is something never to forget

you no longer have control

and loves takes over you

you are never to return

to the place you just were

because you can't just get rid of love

even after the body is gone

Temporary Stability

we all adorn ourselves with costumes

to try and escape what we truly are inside

and some of us our wearing our masks

a little better than the rest

that i can see

and so i'll go on trying to make it on my own

i don't need you to stay

cause the life i've been living

has taken its toll and it leads me to believe

that i can fake it on my own

i don't need you to stay

all the times i tried to make you see

that you were nothing more than a boy to adore

yet you take all i have

leaving me to go alone with my heart of stone

trying to break it on my own

The Cycle

december brings no change

still stuck in limbo

december never brings change

fractured memories

turn into falsities which no one can explain

i feel change is not to come

because i can't seem to break the cycle

look around and you can see

the cycle controlling us

look again and you might be

able to see the cycle in motion

now it's snowing in spring

and i can't feel a thing

trapped inside myself again

but it doesn't mean a thing

when what's inside is all i have

and i can't seem to share it with anyone

because i can't stop the cycle

History Erased

no time for writing

when these structures do not give allowance

for a chance to reflect on the sacrificial memories and histories

given to us by our ancestors

we lose ourselves when we lost our past

cherish the story passed down to you

and, more importantly, pass down your story too

these stories of the past do not define your path

but they give you the knowledge

the knowledge you need to know

which direction you should go

One Last Try

i'll give you one last try

to prove to me that you mean the words you say

i'll give you one last try

to set yourself apart from all the other men who live this story

i'll give you one last try

i'll give you one last try (x2)

but the words i say never mean a thing

and all the last tries behind us show my strength is weak

but i'll still give you one last try

because the loss i fear is far too close

if i don't give you one last try

i'll give you one last try

i'll give you one last try

i will give you one last try

but maybe the cliches have all been right

and all the last tries don't mean a thing

so should i continue to believe in the story

(suck up all my pride)

or should i cut all the ties

before i decide

to give you one last try

Too Little, Too Late

so i'll say it

for i don't know why

i feel pain

thinking about you

so i'll go on

and say that this won't work out

but i know i can't let you go

so i'll stay here and wait for you

to come and save me

and just say you love me

just say you love me

but c'est la vie is what you'll say to me

(i can't break this pattern)

yes, c'est la vie is what you'll say to me

Energy and Emotion

Emotion is energy.

If you don't release the energy, it collects and festers.

The more people there are with this collected energy, the stronger the impact once it is finally released.

The further isolated we become, the more this energy builds up.

And, the more bitter we become with where our society is.

Without voicing our opinions, this energy begins to consume us.

Do not try to escape the life you are living, for escapism is a factor in allowing this negative energy to thrive. The more you escape, the more you repress.

Are you going to allow yourself to succumb to negativity?

Or, are you going to be a part of the positive change that is necessary for our society to survive.

Negative energy will be our demise if we do not learn how to turn it around.

Equality should have no bounds.

The Raven's Crow

Are crows really the messengers of bad things to come?

I see the beauty watching them fly free.

The raven's crow cries, "Do not fear the change that is near. For the fear of change is what causes disaster."

The raven is the messenger of change.

Heed to the message of the raven and change before change is too late.

Do not fear. The end is not here. Celebrate the change that is ahead.

And, never fear when a crow is near.